"You're Pretty Good at Games for a Girl" | My Worst PAXEast Experience

Warning: The following is a personal account of harassment. If you are triggered by harassment in any way or form, please read with caution.

While I could suffer through some of the more unenjoyable experiences at PAXEast, this experience was possibly the worst of them all.

After lunch, I decided to take a break from walking around. I managed to find a small area out of the way of the main convention floor. A few feet from me, I noticed a small group of people that were playing the game Super Smash Bros.. I walked over and, after a few pictures, I asked if I could play with them. They obliged and I joined in. 

I was halfway through a winning streak when I felt myself getting uncomfortable. I didn't realize what was going on because I was keeping my eyes on my 3DS. But, I remember feeling cornered. At the end of a particularly difficult battle, I glanced up from my 3DS to find that a small group of guys had crowded around me. Feeling claustrophobic, I laughed it off, moved over, and continued to play...only it happened again. After doing this "dance" two more times, I decided that it was time to go.

I went to pack up my things when one of them came over and started to ask me questions, saying that I was "pretty good at Super Smash for a girl." At first, the questions were about the game or myself as a gamer such as how long I have been playing or how did I get so good. But, they quickly got personal. Questions about my body, my love life, and even my sex life came up. Despite my discomfort, I laughed them off and replied with a polite "it's none of your business" before changing the subject. Yet, the questions continued to come along with some unwanted physical contact (touching my wig, rubbing my shoulder, etc). 

At this point, I was already nervous, but now my nerves had moved to fear. I politely excused myself, saying that I had to go meet up with friends, and grabbed my stuff. To this guy, apparently that meant for him to try harder. He offered to accompany me to my friends. And when I declined, he got irritated. I left before it got too heated, but the last thing he said to me still echoes in my mind as I type: "Whatever you gamer whore."

I found myself moving quickly through the crowd, keeping my eyes down the entire way. When I got to my friends, I didn't say anything. It wasn't until I was back at my friends' apartment that I mentioned the situation at all. When I told them, they asked why I didn't text them to tell them that I was in trouble. I said that I handled it fine, but they scolded me, saying that it would've been better if I had gotten someone or called them.

I felt weak. Here I was this big advocate for standing up to gender inequality in nerd culture, always the first one to step in if I saw harassment on the convention floor. But when it was happening to me, all I could do was smile, shrug it off, and run away. I felt defeated. Then my partner said something that shook me out of my pity party and helped me use this experience to fuel my passion for this topic even more.

"Don't let your sadness pull you back, use your anger fuel your passion to drive you forward."

What he said sparked something deep in me. It made my passion for this topic burst through to the stars. And my yearning to make a change has only grown. A yearning to make a change so that my experience becomes an experience of the past, not only for me, but for everyone else in nerd culture.